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Q: How do you write the perfect sex scene?
A: I don’t think it’s possible. (But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying!)
If you’ve read either of my published novels, you already know that sex and romance feature, if not as dominant themes, definitely as strong supporting ones in my work.
I love writing sex scenes because it’s such a small personal moment between people that can have a huge impact on plot development. And since normalizing polyamory is one of my goals as a writer, they’re usually especially pivotal in my works.
And they’re fun to write! I do the bulk of my fiction writing in November (when I take on the annual National Novel Writing Month challenge to write 50,000 words in 30 days), and these scenes are a relief because I find them easier to create on the fly, producing thousands of desperately needed words.
But oh boy, they’re hard to edit. When I write a sex scene I’m writing for an audience of one: myself. I know how graphic I want it to be, what emotional points and physical details are most exciting or pleasurable, what language feels just right.
But how to edit for an entire world of readers? I agonize over striking a balance that will feel realistic without being overly clinical, that’s beautiful but not too idealized, that moves the plot forward and feels important to the story (not gratuitous or tangential), and that ideally will titillate but at the very least won’t disgust or bore my audience. It’s so subjective — no two readers are going to have the same opinion of any scene.
And, since I write scenes between all sorts of combinations of people (both gender and number), there’s no one niche audience I can count on making happy every time (other than myself). I like exploring all aspects of sexuality — despite my main focus being poly and/or queer relationships, I wouldn’t even rule out writing a “normal” scene between two hetero people (someday)!
Several people have asked me if I’ve considered just writing erotica if this is such a big part of what interests me. I have considered it but decided against it for a couple reasons:
- One of the most interesting things about sex in fiction is how it informs or impacts other parts of the plot and the characters’ lives. Taken out of context, or given too big of a role, to me it’s — kind of boring.
- I wouldn’t want to give up the other aspects of fiction writing; I love world building and character development, creating suspense and surprises, and working to conjure up that irresistible pull that keeps a reader turning pages.
- As someone who’s in a polyamorous marriage, I can tell you that a lot of people focus on the sexual or other unusual aspects of my relationship, at least at first. I want to show that polyamory and queerness can be integral to the rest of life; I’m not constantly thinking “Me and my two spouses, wow!” We have a pretty typical existence; polyamory has a positive impact but it doesn’t make us radically different from other people in the way we live our lives. So I want to show these interactions as part of a plot that doesn’t just revolve around (but doesn’t shy away from) the bedroom.
So, yeah, I don’t have a satisfactory answer to my original question. Putting my writing out into the world, it’s one of the biggest issues I come up against, and will continue to wrestle with. My sex scenes often contain moments of doubt, awkwardness, discomfort, and hesitation along with the fun and pleasure. The same goes for the writing and editing process behind them!
